#5 Distance makes the D**k grow harder.

I got to his house, he waited for me like a gentlemen at the door and let me in, and we sat watching T.V, talked a bit then drove straight into a make out session! It was a pre-planned one night stand, the silence was interrupted when he told me “I know you are not looking for anything serious with me, I just wanted to tell you that talking to you had been a delight, I couldn’t wait to get back to Amman to see you”, I feared this conversation just as much as what he said next confused me when I got home later on, “we agreed that this would only be physical but I really do like you, I sometimes start to think how rare it is to find a guy like you”. I was just starting to hate myself thinking of how sweet and flattering his words were, I had honestly started to think that maybe I should give this a chance, he was after all a great guy and we had much in common, and a real date wouldn’t harm anyone! Me being naive I thought, no one, and little did I know, casualties awaited.

The lip action got heavier and clothes were taken off, the lights from the street offered sensual lighting to a very sexual situation. In-between moans and heavy breathing a phone started to ring, his face went 50 shades of joy when he said “I have to take this, I have been calling him since yesterday and his phone was off”.  He didn’t wait for me to say anything and answered the call, before he hung up the voice coming from earphone of his phone asked him what he was doing, he said he was in bed with “some” naked guy, smiled then said “no, kidding, I am just home sitting with my friend getting drunk”! An episode of The Bold And The Beautiful entered my life when he said after hanging up the phone “God man I hate lying, I am not good at it, he now thinks I am having sex with a guy”, “well, I am sure it’s okay, does he know that you are gay?” he went into a dramatic rant about how he can never lie, and how much of a bad liar he is, I asked again in an attempt to calm his one man show about the “virtue of honesty” down, he then left me on top and drove the night downhill when he said in a nonchalant explanatory way “he knows I am gay man, that was my boyfriend, it’s just he lives so far away and I only get to see him on weekends”, casualty identities acquired!

After a few puppy-eyed glances from him while asking me if he is a bad person or not, I took my briefs, wore them and comforted him by telling him a collection of lines to speed up the healing process so I could go home, I told him that I was going and that he should call his boyfriend again and work it out with him. He was very understanding about why I wanted to leave, thanked me for not freaking out, then politely asked me “well, can I at least blow you so I could get off?”, that light from the street now was not helping me find the rest of my date night attire, using the light from my phone my hand landed on my glasses, I wore them and set my sights on the road.


“… you are a lot like my Ex, he really loved Amy Winehouse as well” his face lit up with a smile and I lit up a cigarette, sat back and listened to him add on our shared qualities. “This date is going well” he assured me,”


#6 Stairway to hell

I was on my way to my first date with a guy my age who shared my fascination for food. An invitation to his place for a home cooked meal, a night of fine dining, and the promise that his parents will be out till 11. He calls while I am driving; trying to follow the pin-point map shot he sent me, “when you get here don’t buzz the intercom, just call me”, so after I struggled to find a parking in front of his huge apartment building I called, and he appeared in a very Rapunzel kind of way from the top window of the stairway, “go in through the garage and take the elevator to the last floor” “okay sure, does the front door not open?” “I’ll explain when you get up here” he said.

The elevator door opened up to a Gaga fan, judging from the t-shirt he had on, we walked up a flight of stairs, and at this point I thought to myself ‘a roof top dinner, I hit the jackpot’! Well, it was as close as it could have been to a rooftop dinner! It was a floor dinner with a take out from McDonald’s, and so I got treated to fine Junk-fooding that was not even close to fine dining! “My parents didn’t go out, I am so sorry”, “its fine man but we could have just went out and had some food” “I want it to be intimate and for us to spend some time alone”, I went along with it asking myself if he’s aiming to get in my pants why not do it the healthy way; in my backseat! We finished eating and it was way too awkward; we talked for a bit, but the conversation flow turned left when he started to feel me up, and after many failed attempts at getting me to agree to take off my pants “half way”, he settled for 2-3 onion filled kisses with a side of tongue, he kept feeling me up and I returned the favor, and then the stairway lights went on, and he flashed away from me to the other side and started to clean up while gesturing me to “shushhh”! I smoked my ciggerate and was about to leave when he gave it one last try to convince me to go “third-base”, I felt 13 again and back in the basement of my school trying to sneak a kiss before anyone saw us! I pushed him away, paid my share for the food, got up and out of nowhere an argument heated up! He got mad as hell as if I owed him some under the belt action for this lovely dream date! I went down the staircase, ignoring him, crept my way out of the garage, and by that time, ladies and gentlemen, Frasier Has Left The Building.


#7 Mirror mirror on the wall, who’s the cheapest of them all?

After shaking hands and having a small chat we made our way into one of my favorite cozy restaurants in Amman. He was a 28-year old banker who had just come straight from work, the suit looked great on him and as we sat down he took off his jacket and there couldn’t be a better view than how the shirt hung off his shoulders. He had all the things that stirred my weaknesses in a man, height, a husky voice, a great build and a knack for humor. Laughs were exchanged and food was swiftly consumed while he talked endlessly about himself… and his Ex! At this point I thought that his Ex-Factor was going to be the only mood killer to destroy a till-now good date. He asked me what I did in life and while I was talking he interrupts me to point out that his Ex also loved to write and was from my home town! We apparently also shared a love for Paulo Coelho’s books and spoken word poetry, “you are a lot like my Ex, he really loved Amy Winehouse as well” his face lit up with a smile and I lit up a cigarette, sat back and listened to him add on our shared qualities. “This date is going well” he assured me, I was ready after that line to come to terms that this date drove itself into a dead end, carry my now full tummy, pay and go home. I told my white lie, he bought it, as we waited for the bill, my figurative feet were ready for the who pays the check dance, the check dropped down on our table and so did his amazing accounting skills!

After staring at the check for almost 3 minutes he starts to divide the bill, I am not talking splitting the check, no, splitting everything, “you ate 2 spring rolls, and half the chicken cashew, you also had some of my fried rise…” he went on, and as my liabilities were being assessed professionally my jaw joined the drop-on-the-table action, I stopped him right there, took my wallet with a fierce grip, and paid the entire bill! I told him “this one is on me, it was lovely getting to know you, and your Ex, let’s not do this again”! his jacket was on at this point, the shirt that hung off his back was gone, and so was his charm.

My knees no longer weak, I left and rushed my keys out of my bag, sat in my car with the recurring thought that another one most defiantly bit the dust, but of course, not after he made sure that the dust he would be biting won’t cost him much.


A side note, a bad date doesn’t necessary mean a bad guy, just maybe one who lacks experience or imagination, or just a guy who was not in his best mood, so unless he licks your face, has bodyguards, or asks you for head in his car while parked behind a school while there are still classes going on, then give the guy a second chance, they might just surprise you.


The things I learned from my #7 dates. a continuation for #7 dates of hell! (here)



The End

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